


The Report

by NohrianxScum



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Death, Female Pronouns for Grell Sutcliff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 23:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12444324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NohrianxScum/pseuds/NohrianxScum
Summary: When Grell submits a confusing report, her supervisor has a couple of questions.





	The Report

"Care to explain yourself, Sutcliff?"

The report between them looked like it had been repeatedly crumpled and then smoothed down, used as a paper towel and probably even set on fire at some point. Grell's reports often left something to be desired, but that was something new.

She stopped inspecting her nails and threw her hands in the air: "Don't be like this, Will, it's not my fault!"

"Then whose?" William inquired, against his better judgement. He wasn't in mood for one of Grell's improvised theatrical performances. He wasn't in the mood for one yesterday and he certainly wouldn't be the following day. Still, he had to ask.

"It's - what was his name? - that dead man’s fault."

William squinted at the poor excuse of a report. "I take it you mean Mr Lawson?"

"Oh, who cares," she huffed in response. She reached over the table and snatched the report from her supervisor. "Dying people have no consideration for others. You wouldn't believe what that man put me through tonight!"

He left that without a reply, silently wondering whether sobriety in the workplace could be overrated after all. Strange unease came over him and Spears realised, for the sixth time in the past two minutes, how intensely he wished to be anywhere else in the world. Watching over the London division of the Dispatch took a special kind of masochist and for the first time in his afterlife he had to admit that he lacked the necessary qualifications.

"Will...? Are you listening to me?"

"I'm afraid so."

Grell gave him a displeased look, but let it slide, because Will was her favourite and because at that moment she was more interested in sharing the story than in a petty argument.

" _Anyway_ , I came there, just as his wife was leaving. She poisoned him, and I noted it down there." She pointed at a barely legible word, crossed out multiple times. "Then he woke up and he looked, well, rather fine, all things considered. Initially, I thought that he appeared on my to die list accidentally."

"That’s very unlikely."

"But possible! Just in case, I waited a little longer. After a while he got up and opened the window to get some fresh air – I can’t blame him, really, there was this positively _ghastly_ flower arrangement and…"

"To the point, if you could."

"He tripped over a footstool and fell out of the window."

"And that killed him."

Grell waved in the direction of the report. William picked it up and saw she wrote down as much, but then crossed it out as well.

"I thought it did. He looked like Ronnie when he’s hungover."

For once, the supervisor had to agree with Sutcliff. That would be a legitimate reason to pronounce any human dead.

"But the fall didn’t kill him either."

"No, the fall didn’t. I was making some adjustments to my report, but then he got up and yelled… I cannot repeat that, Will, dearest. Such language!"

"Is it really important what he did or didn’t do?" He checked the time. There was a meeting scheduled in four hours and William hoped Grell would be done with her rant by then, but he knew he couldn’t count on that. He spared a wistful thought for the cup of coffee in his office. No doubt it was cold already. Cold and bitter. The perfect metaphor for existence. He just wished perfect metaphors for existence happened to someone else’s coffee for once.

"When he cried out, it startled a cat that was resting on the window in the highest floor and the poor thing knocked down a flower pot. It hit him over the head!"

She waited for him to laugh. She had been waiting for him to laugh since their training, in vain. She pointed to another part of the report – there she crossed the cause of death so furiously the pen tore the paper in one place.

"As you can see, darling, I _really_ thought that would do it."

William studied the paper for a long moment. Was the headache a result of squinting at that mess of notes for too long? Was it because Sutcliff stubbornly refused to get to the bloody point? Was it because of the general distaste the Universe obviously felt for William T. Spears in particular? A mystery.

Poisoning – crossed out. Fall – crossed out. Heavy trauma to the head – crossed out. Lightning strike – crossed out. Drowning – crossed out. Getting hit with a carriage – crossed out. Being trampled by a runaway elephant – crossed out. Spontaneous combustion – crossed out.

His eyes followed the list of increasingly absurd causes of death. Then he turned the page and groaned when he saw the list continued there. He glanced at the very end of the page and noticed the only words Grell didn’t cross out, squeezed in the lower right-hand corner.

"So, in the end he died of… bad attitude?" William closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to know. "How could he die of something like that?"

Grell stopped examining a strand of her hair for split ends and shrugged. "At that point he was really getting on my nerves, so I stabbed him."

He looked at the report again, then Grell. Only then did he notice the bags under her eyes hastily covered with make-up and although he sincerely wanted to get angry, he couldn’t. No, he wouldn’t say that aloud, but he felt something suspiciously close to sympathy. A deep sigh escaped his lips.

"Are you mad at me? I mean, he was scheduled to die, so I didn’t think…"

"I want you to rewrite the report. Would you like to get some coffee first? My treat."

Her face positively lit up as she linked her arm with his, batting her eyelashes. "Oh Will, you are the sweetest! I could –"

"Finish that sentence and the offer is revoked."


End file.
